My favorite meme is the one where the guy says, "Is this a pigeon?" and he's eating the butterfly. My second favorite is, "Lerooooooy Hm-Jenkiiiiiinssss!"

Today I saw a toyota corolla with two monster energy bumper stickers, one of which said, "FREE Monster Energy sticker with any purchase!" I've never loved anything as much as this guy loves Monster Energy.

If I was in a contest with the devil, like where if I win I get a golden fiddle and if he wins he gets my soul, I could probably eat like 5 hot dogs, tops.

When i was your age we called anime "cartoons", and we didn't have sandwiches yet, we had to eat the meat and bread and cheese separately, and also nobody had invented stairs so we used bedsheets tied together to go up and down floors, and also babies came out fully grown, right out of a giant egg, smoking a pipe and wearing a nice suit!

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someday science will allow me to live my dream of becoming a vape pen

Don't @ me! Please! PLEASE!!! PLEASE don't @ me! Don't! Noooo! Don't @ me!

Dude, like *inhales* if you know about history you know everyone shatpost... George Washington shatpost, the Buddha shatpost... They all did it

I hope nobody finds out that I'm really a gamer. It would destroy my "image"

Even Bill Gates wishes he could meet TED. But nobody has met TED. TED is the greatest enigma of the 21st century. Thank you for coming to my TED talk

Itโ€™s me, the asshole in the back of the audience who always shouts โ€œYouโ€™re welcome!โ€ when you say โ€œthank you for coming to my TED talk.โ€ Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Do you think that on the seventh day, as the Lord rested, He was like โ€œFuck, weekendโ€™s almost over, I donโ€™t wanna go back to work in the morningโ€?

I have an extremely efficient metabolism, I can survive on as little as one boost a day.

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